Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
