i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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