omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
