Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
