3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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