I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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