I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He did a backflip because drugs
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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