im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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