i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
