I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
