Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
