True but thats because hes a fetus.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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