Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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