Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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