I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
