Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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