pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
