mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
