just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
