his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
