i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
it glows. i had to have it.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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