dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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