On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
