Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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