you didnt know i had herpes?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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