Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
