I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
And then my night got REAL pukey
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Panties = found
Randomize
