don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
