Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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