Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
