If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
