..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
