I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
