when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
