Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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