how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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