i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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