I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
