see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
