Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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