i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
