I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
