I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i love accidental penises.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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