you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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