in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
