Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
