I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
