Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
