Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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