hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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