I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
