Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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