so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
