I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
tell me about the eggs
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
