how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
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