hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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