She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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