I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize