My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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