So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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