someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
