So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize