Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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