and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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