Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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